What Goes Up

There is an inevitable low after a high like a universal trade-off – with the great comes the ordinary.

We are just coming off the very best time in Canada where we were able to connect with friends, family and the familiar.

But my recovery since our return has been slow and unforgiving, retrospective and painful. I couldn’t put my finger on why. Our life is good here – really good. The girls have adjusted remarkably well and I would even dare say, have thrived in this new environment. They have made friends, been challenged to excel at school, embraced the change. The quality of family time is unlike anything we have ever experienced. It is all us, all the time in this tiny, ever closing window where the girls really want to be with us. I am so conscious of this gift. So what is it?

After much reflection, I am missing ME here – that wedge of my life that is all my own. My friends. My work. My goals. My dreams. Me, me, me. I know. But I am not shamed to admit it.

My life at home was round and three dimensional. I was working part time, studying creative writing at U of T, managing my design blog (when was the last time I wrote about design?!?), maintaining a happy work/life balance. I had my family near by plus I was surrounded by some of the very best friends a person could ask for – bucket loads of amazing women. I, simply put, don’t have any of that here. And what I have realized is these are the hardest things to create from scratch.

I can’t recreate a career that took me 18 years to build. I can’t study at the University of Toronto (or the University of Auckland for that matter as they do not offer singles courses – or papers as they call them in writing. I would have to do my Masters in Creative Writing which feels like overkill). My family isn’t here and those life long friendships that are such a massive part of who I am? Yeah. Those are IMPOSSIBLE to create in short order. You simply can’t. There is no ‘add water and stir’ solution.

Having flushed all of that out, I am having to rethink myself here and who I plan to be as we live a million miles from home. Throughout year one, it was about establishing the family, sorting out a home, making sure everyone around me was adjusting. Check. Check. And check. Those twelve months have been and gone so now I need to get onto the business of me.

Here is the plan:

I may not have the cycles or time to commit to building an NZ design empire but I do have the skill and ability to work for someone I respect. The design scene here is very cool – what is to say there isn’t a fab designer needing an extra pair of hands?

Just registered for an online course at U of T to continue chipping away at my Creative Writing Certificate. I will miss the in person experience but have decided to get over it.

Friends. I have friends here they just aren’t of the life long variety. We don’t have a shared history and we can’t finish each others sentences. It takes effort to hang out and it is sometimes work to create conversation. I have decided to get over that too. I will say “YES” to more invitations and extend more invites myself. Coffee anyone? Walk after drop off? Dinner Friday night? I can.

And I will go home more. We have been so keen on exploring NZ, Australia, north to Fiji, west to Bali this October and beyond that we have used our travel budget to see the world instead of keeping us grounded and connected at home. I think somewhere in between is a balance that will keep us full.

The lesson all around here is that this life we get to live once is what you make it. I am deciding to make mine great.