My girls are 12 and almost 11 years old and as a stay at home mom for the last 10 months, I am acutely aware of just how much I can stuff them up by the way I parent. Funny that – I have always been parenting but have almost been on autopilot between work and life, trusting my instincts and relying on the awesome mothers around me whenever I was in a stitch.
So not working now and really no mommy network to bounce anything off of, I am less on auto and probably over analyzing my parenting moves, fully aware that I could totally break these lovely girls.
This is what I have decided are the most important values and have become our guiding principles in any and all decisions. It is a really simple, two prong, one-two punch to raise awesome girls. I just come back to this adjective and this noun over and over and over again. Full stop.
Confidence
This will save our girls from almost everything and is a fundamental building block at the all girls school they attend (SIDEBAR – I have never been pro-single sex education. I have always felt it created a cocoon of learning so removed from the real world but I take every bit of it back. These foundation years are critical to a girls’ development and to be sans the distraction of rowdy boys and to have that sometimes self-conscious element removed, I see two girls trying things they never would have tried before, girls quite happy to stick out with good grades and by participating confidently). A confident girl will be less likely to follow the masses. A confident girl won’t give into peer pressure. She will need the approval of others less and will push herself more. With confidence comes the ever-critical self-respect. It is the jam really.
So how? Every day reminders that they are smart, special, funny, important, valued, loved, heard and beautiful. That their worth hinges most importantly on how they feel about themselves, not how others feel or perceive them.
And I try so hard to live the example I want them to follow. I NEVER put myself down in front of my kids. Never. I don’t complain about my weight or other insecurities. I don’t gossip (except about this one totally crazy family) or judge and am quick to correct them if they ever do (except about that one family of headcases…).
Now – when I am not around them? Shit hits the fan. Let’s be clear.
Judgment
I know I will not always be there to guide their decisions so for a long while now, I have let them make their own. Decisions around who to hang out with, what activities they want to participate in, etc. I guide – for sure. Encourage? Absolutely. But ultimately, it is all them. My hope in this is that they realize they alone are the architects of their lives – decisions they make can sometimes have a lasting effect. And I think it is working.
I notice as they get older, friends can begin to have a greater influence and I can see who I want them to be around and who I don’t. It is usually pretty obvious. But I won’t control who they see and spend time with and I certainly never get involved in conflicts. Open door over here for everyone. But I am amazed at how they are sorting it out. I was 42 before I figured out who I should really be investing in. MF.